Mar 28, 2012

_Study Concludes that Computers No Longer Able To Do Useful Work_

San Jose, CA -- The 237th off-cycle patch of an Adobe product,
released today, brought with it the expected wave of depression,
doom and despair to IT departments worldwide.  Adobe Flash version
11.2.202.228.11111111112.anythinggoes (code name:  Cole Porter)
contains the critical fix of changing "alot" to "a lot" in the
README and also fixes several remotely-exploitable security
holes.  

One bright spot, however, was visible in an otherwise
cumulonimbus-packed sky:  the calendar-challenged company released
a built-in autoupdater for its flash plugin.

Adobe's long history of mistaking 0's and 1's sadly continues 
unabated as evidenced by today's dyscalcula.

"SilentAutoUpdateEnable 1 disables background update"

has been Tweeted with glee millions of times since Wednesday.

Despite the install of both a new scheduled task and a new service
(AdobeFlashPlayerUpdateSvcThisSpaceForRent), most experts agree that
the autoupdate feature is a step in the right direction, assuming
Adobe can, as one expert put it, "Stop eating at the Derhay Cafe".

The bright spot, however, may turn out to be a lightning bolt.

Adobe's new updater joins an already crowded field.  Microsoft (the
industry leader with its seminal Windows Update Update) Apple and
Google all use autoupdaters to keep their software up-to-date.  
Mozilla is scheduled to be next to join with the release of Firefox 13, 
soon followed by releases 14-158 in June.

The worry is that the future of computing will be one of constant
and continuous updating and little else.  A study commissioned by the
Business Software Alliance, CERT and the Fraternal Order of Luddites
concluded that we are quickly approaching what has been deemed the
"Update Horizon", beyond which no useful work will be possible.

BSA president and CEO Robert W. Holleyman, II expressed concern
that disgruntled former employees will no longer be able to send
reports of illegal software use if they can't, as he termed it,
"use the freakin' machine".  One former stool-- freedom fighter spoke
under the condition of anonymity and acronymity:  "WTF, man? WTFF?
All I C is 35 UDs of Chrome in the past 4 mins.  Release early and
often doesn't pay the bills, pal! Paul Graham, my ass!"  He sobbed
"Don't copy that floppy .... because you'll have to patch it"
before collapsing completely.

A spokesman for US-CERT, the United States Computer Emergency
Readiness Team, offered:  "an updated computer is a secure computer"
followed by "a secure computer is a good computer", "idle hands are
the devil's tools" and finally "don't taunt the dynamite monkey".
He was later taken away, given a warm cup of tea, a comfortable
place to lie down and an appointment for homily-aversion therapy.

Jedidiah Seabiscuit V, chairman of the Fraternal Order of Luddites,
gave his unconditional approval.  "We are in favor of this exciting
development to your computation-machines.  Maybe you ragamuffins
will go read a book now instead of wasting your lives 140 characters
at a time.  Our plan was to ax all these contraptions one day,
but it turns out you cooked your own goose."  He broke into song:

Bye bye, Ms. American Pie.
Your patches went in batches
But it's all gone awry.
Persistent reminder, confirm or deny
Singing this will fix the bug that slipped by,
This will fix the bug that slipped by.

He was quickly chased down the street by Don McLean's Rottweiler,
Vincent, and disappeared from sight.

Adobe (ADBE) closed up 0.01 in heavy trading.

***

by Dave Smith and Zube
Mar 29, 2012