Double Closed
by Zube (zube@stat.colostate.edu)
Created:  May 10, 2007
Updated:  May 30, 2008
http://www.stat.colostate.edu/~zube/doubleclosed.txt

The Transportation Department of the City of Fort Collins is world-famous
for many things:  

* lights that are timed such that if you obey the speed limit, you'll get
the next light red (and the following two lights too), but if you speed 
slightly, it's smooth sailing

* converting a two-lane road into a one-lane one so as to add a capacious
bike lane for safety, followed quickly by the erecting of a 

"bike lane ends, merge with traffic" 

sign so that construction could begin anew in the bike lane

* drilling more than a dozen small holes in the road and then covering
the holes with uneven steel plates, forcing drivers to drive in the
bike lane

* stopping a truck in the middle of the road, idling, while one
worker leaning in the window talks to the driver;  as my car approaches,
the guy leaning in leans out, gives me a disgusted look, then assumes an 
air of authority and points for me to use the other lane without looking
to see if anyone is coming the other way

* two Department trucks stopped at a busy intersection, their drivers 
having a nice chat while everyone queued behind them has to wait

* not removing "right/left lane closed" signs 

* putting up a left lane closed sign for a right lane closure and vice
versa

All these hits have a great beat and are easy to dance to.

Here's their latest tune. 

There is a back road I used to take to get to work.  They recently
closed this road, claiming that it would be closed for about a month.
When the month was over, they changed the posted sign to extend the
closure for another week.  At the end of that week, a new sign went up
stating that the road would be closed starting the day the road
was to open.  This development is a somewhat interesting insight into
the "planning" "mind" of the Transportation Department, but not really
interesting enough to normally write about.

Yesterday, however, a new set of signs went up claiming that the same
road would now be closed until June of 2008 (and the old signs are still
there).  So, for the next 10 days or so, my normal route to work will 
not only be closed, it will be Double Closed.  

While this incident caused me to both fear and respect the awesome closing 
power of the Transportation Department of the City of Fort Collins, this
fear and respect was only on paper (uh, signs).  Here is an example of 
Double Closed that shows exactly how much FC cares about commuters' time 
and safety.

Recently, a main artery of Fort Collins has been closed for several blocks 
near a busy intersection (Mulberry and Riverside).  This is OK, as signs
went up in advance, so it came as no surprise.  It's also OK because
there is a smaller, parallel road (Laurel) nearby.  But there is
a catch.  When travelling northbound on Riverside, there is exactly one
place to turn left to negotiate to Laurel without having to turn on your 
GPS or to make a several furlongs detour. 

Punch line approaching.

For several days during the Mulberry and Riverside closing, some dim
bulb decided that additional road work needed to be done in a very specific 
place.  That place was directly across from the left turn mentioned above.  
Mr. D. Bulb's game plan to lower the BTUs of happiness in the world and 
to flash his middle finger to commuters was to park a stupidly huge truck 
in the right lane and cone off the left turn, forcing everyone travelling 
northbound to make a fairy unsafe turnaround in a nearby {car dealership | 
parking lot | gas station} to get to Laurel.

If you haven't been following the trials and tribulations of Fort Collins, 
perhaps you missed out on the news that FC spent $80,000 for a new slogan. 
(Actually, it was $2600 for the slogan which was part of the $80K for the
branding, but no matter.) I humbly offer this alternative for free:

Fort Collins -- Where Double Closed is a Way of Life.

Further Adventures
------------------

On May 30, 2008, the Fort Collins Road Works decided to reinvent themselves
with a new concept called Zero Closed.  The left turn mentioned above had 
been undergoing construction.  Some days it was passible, but on others they 
put up the road closed sign.  Today there was no sign, so I turned
and came face to face with a ten foot pile of dirt.  Excellent job, lads.