Sep 1, 2012

_City Discovers Huge Cache of Red Paint_

Future Reduction of Parking Spaces Imminent?

Fort Collins, CO -- As first reported in the current issue of
_Violators Will Be Towed_, the Daily Diary of the American Parking
Experience, the City of Fort Collins recently discovered an unusually
large cache of red paint in a long-forgotten warehouse on the edge
of town.

After a barrage of inquiries, the City *finally* deigned to hold a
press conference, which took place yesterday.  Oaf McDimwit, head
of the City's No-Parking Services Division, frothed with delight as
he confirmed the discovery.

"100,000 gallons of be-u-ti-ful red paint.  Boy Howdy!  We,
literally, could not be happier.  We are going to paint the
town red", Oaf snickered amidst groans from the assembled crowd.
"After using a little for my own ... personal use ... we'll have
enough left over to cover virtually every sidewalk and curb in town."

Public parking has been a commuter sore spot for many years.
Residents have reported that any type of road maintenance, from the
restriping of lines to the installation of new sewers, culminates
in the lengthing of the familiar red no-parking zones.

Mark Read, a local homeowner, testified two years ago that the 80
parking spots on his street fell to just five after the city "parked
a few trucks around the corner for several weeks."  "I never saw
anyone working, but when they left, most of the street had been
painted red.  Look at this space.  You could park a caravan of
747s and still have room for a blue whale at the back, but now it's
all marked as no-parking.  It's almost as if they love red paint.
My feeling is that if they love red paint, then why don't they
marry it?"

When confronted with a study that concluded that only four parking
spaces would be left after _Operation: It Sucks To Be You_ is
complete, Mr. Dimwitt looked shocked.

"Four?  Well, sir, that may be your calculation, but I'm here to
reject such a number as wildly inaccurate.  Of those four remaining
spaces, two will be reserved for "drivers with special needs" which
our research shows are used very frequently, almost *twice* a year."

The third space will be the keystone in the City's _Pay-As-You-Park_
Innovation Blueprint.  A monthly Ebay auction will be held for use
of the space.  Proceeds will go towards the City's award-winning
_Let's Buy More Red Paint_ program.

When asked if there was any truth to the rumors that the City
will soon prohibit parking in both personal driveways and garages,
Mr. Dimwitt would neither confirm nor deny the charges.  Instead,
he yelled "Yippee", performed an enthusiastic pirouette and unveiled
an open can of paint and a brush.  He proceeded to quickly and
deftly paint a thin red stripe in front of the lectern and spoke
in a secretive voice: "You are not allowed to park here.".  He also
painted smaller marks on the floor, the back wall, the lectern and
two small children sitting in the front row.  "Don't even THINK
of parking on the children", he giggled.

Experts at the meeting openly wondered if this found cache of paint
was lead-based and if so, how much Mr. Dimwitt had ingested recently.
It was later confirmed that his behavior was "within acceptable
norms" for the No-Parking Services Division, which has won the
prestigious _Ruddy Stupid_ award three years running.

And what of the final space?  It turns out that it will be left
unused under the City's _Open Spaces_ initiative.  _Fort Collins
Public Parking Spot Park_ will be open between 12:00 pm and 12:05
pm every second Tuesday.  Visitors to the park are advised to take
public transportation as parking is extremely limited.

--
zube@stat.colostate.edu