Jun 25, 2007

RIAA Sues Birds, Whales
Claims IP Infringement on "Songs"

Washington -- On behalf of themselves, the Recording Industry
Association of America (RIAA) this week announced the next wave in
their fight against copyright infringement, IP violations and general
criticism against Certain Business Plans (tm) by suing all birds and
whales.

History has shown that the RIAA's strategy of suing grandmothers,
children and dead people eclipsed even top executives' most optimistic
expectations:  file sharing has dropped to zero, music sales are
through the roof and the RIAA is known throughout the world as the
Great Benefactor.  While most industry experts were initially
skeptical, all now agree that RIAA's tireless efforts have led to a
second Renaissance, a new Golden Age of artistic endeavors and
creativity.

Avery McUnderGargle, a student from Detroit, looks back with fondness
at his first arrest.  In a no-knock raid on his apartment by the
Department of Homeland Security on behalf of the RIAA, he was arrested
for whistling They Might Be Giants _Whistling In The Dark_ in the
dark.

"When they pointed that AK-47 at my skull," opines Mr. McUnderGargle,
"I knew the rule of law was back as the bedrock on which the the USA
rests.  My incarceration and subsequent fine has made me poorer, but
richer in so many other ways."

"I wasn't persuaded by their intellectual arguments, but I certainly
was persuaded by their legal and ballistic ones.  When I finish school,
I hope to join the RIAA and fight for what they believe in:  Baseball,
Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, Chevrolet and the unilateral enforcement of IP."

Still, the fight is far from over.  While sitting on the deck of his
40-foot yacht, Cary Sherman, president of the RIAA, was relaxing and
listening to the birds sing.

"The thought struck me that those birds have not paid license fees for
their songs.  I know that I've heard recordings of bird songs.  Those
birds are not only defiling my boat, they are also defiling our IP.  We
own that song.  We own those birds."

After a quick consultation with the head of the legal department, it was
clear that a whole area of infringement had been overlooked.  While the
RIAA had won the IP battle against one species, other species were
still in direct violation of the laws of the United States.  A chartered 
whale-watching trip confirmed that whales are in the same boat as birds 
when it comes to IP law.

"These birds and whales make their homesteads in the USA," continues
Sherman, "and yet they are flagrantly stealing from the artists and
corporations that support their lifestyle.  Where is the justice?"

Speaking at a press conference, Mr. Sherman revealed that John Doe Bird
#1 - #10,000,000,000 and John Doe Whale #1 - #100,000,000 are the
targets of their latest lawsuits to restore the rule of law to the air
and the sea as well as the land.

When asked how they would collect damages from these creatures, Sherman
admitted that their initial foray into trying to serve them to appear
in court has been mostly unsuccessful.

"They fly or swim away, just like criminals and other terrorists.  But
we will hunt them down to the ends of the earth.  This has been going
on for centuries or longer, depending on which scientists you talk to.
They will be made to face their crimes.  You cannot swim or fly away
from the arm of Justice forever.  This is still America, regardless of
what our enemies want us to believe."

When pressed about the absurdity of the idea, Sherman unfurled a copy
of the Constitution and asked the questioner to burn it, along with a
similar copy of the Magna Carta and a King James edition of the Bible.

"Why don't we just throw away all our rights, huh?  I'm certain you'd
want to burn *ME* next, wouldn't you?"

Birds and whales could not be reached for comment.

**********

First draft by Zube.
Second draft very much improved by Dave Smith, Distinguished Chair of the
  Don Henley School of Songwriting and Winner of the Best Dave in America
  Award four of the last five years (he didn't enter in 2004).